DeAnna King, Certified Life Coach, Reiki Master & Yoga Teacher, ERYT-500, YACEP

“I wish my parents bought me a new car.”

“It must be nice for your parents to buy your toilet paper and everything for your apartment.”

“It must be nice to have your rent paid for by your parents.”

“No wonder they are doing so much better than me. “

Why was college hard for me…

…because my parents weren’t sending me money.

…because my parents didn’t pay my rent.

Those were my actual thoughts in college. Back then, no one had talked to me about what It meant to take ownership or the importance of it. Honestly, I would dwell on how things weren’t fair. I, most often, hung out with people who felt the same way about life. They allowed their thoughts to keep them stuck. I blamed teachers for my grades, traffic for my tardiness, and my parents for everything else.

There’s an expiration date to blaming your parents, though. 

I did this all over my life for an embarrassingly long time. I remember thinking that the girl who’s doing so well at work is doing so because she, “Looks like that.” Or, because she’s “so smart, much smarter than me.” I thought that those doing well must have gone to a better school than I did or came from a well-known family in the community. All of “these people’ were doing so well because they had something that I didn’t. That they had been given some thing that I had not been given in this life.

When I first started reading about victim mentality, also known as victim stance and disempowered thinking, I went into those same thoughts again. I was defensive. “I didn’t choose this life,” I thought. “I didn’t do this to myself, of course!” And then I had to take a hard look at my life. Maybe the reason I didn’t go as far as some of the people around me was because I spent so much time partying and hanging with friends. Many people were actually reading and attending EVERY class, taking on internships and networking. When I first had that thought, it was a hard blow. I had never even considered that it was my fault that others were doing better than me. Once I became aware that I had been in victim mode, I started noticing that it was everywhere. My thoughts were saturated by this victim stance.

I remember reading the book, “Many Lives, Many Masters,” by Brian Weiss, which talks about how you choose the life that you incarnate into. It goes on to explain that, basically, each soul would partner with the souls of others and decide to incarnate into a life time together and learn specific lessons together and from each other. These other souls would be your teachers or those who would benefit from what you have to teach them, most often becoming your closest relationships, like your parents, siblings, and so on. That was mind blowing! I had never even considered something like that. So, if I chose my family, then there was nothing that they could be “responsible for” in my life. What?!?

Maybe, I have so much student loan debt because I took out the max amount to pay my rent and furnish my apartment, instead of taking on a second job. 

Maybe, my relationships didn’t look like I wanted them to because of who I was attracting and by the choices I was making in life. 

Maybe, the relationships with my family struggled because of my behaviors, not because of theirs.  Could it be that me choosing to hang with my friends and party instead of attending family events was affecting my relationships? Hmm.

I had some decisions to make. I had to take ownership of my behavior and change my thoughts. I was an adult and could no longer blame everyone else around me for my life. 

By keeping the victim mindset, I was giving away my power. I was drastically, reducing and diluting my potential. I have always known that I am a powerful human. But, I had never really applied that. Definitely not by setting big goals and attaining them. 

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Is this something that you have struggled with in the past or are struggling with now? Let me know your thoughts on disempowered thinking and taking ownership.

As a Life Coach, the things that I hear from others are …

“My staff is unreliable and that’s the reason why my business it’s not where it should be.”

Taking ownership would look more like, “I have not set appropriate boundaries with my staff. Or, I have not sufficiently trained my staff and it shows.”

“I am just not good at marketing.”

Taking ownership, that would then change to, “I refuse to pay for a marketing course and it’s easier to just say that I’m not good at it, then to actually take the class.”

*…and the number one thing that I hear is…*

“I don’t have enough money.” Instead of saying, I’m not willing to do the work to make more money. That one is TOUGH! There are always ways to make more money or to find more money in your budget. You may not like cutting things out, like time with your family, but it’s always an option. It’s a choice. Taking on a side hustle or two is a great option for making enough money to take a class or to pay for something that’s going to help you be more successful in your life. But, it’s easier to say I don’t have enough and then place blame anywhere but on ourselves.

Have you noticed that this is all inner-twined with specialness? The thought that somehow you are unique in being a “victim to life,” and everyone around you all have something you didn’t get in life. They are all lucky, but you are not.

When you keep the victim mindset you rob your self of your potential. When you take ownership, your problems get solved and you feel strong and good about yourself. When you play the victim, your problems get brushed over and you stay stuck. Period. Blaming others is how your ego tries to protect itself, but you can override it if you go and do hard things! You can do hard things!

I’m not saying that I have all of this down perfectly. I still catch my brain going to victim mode and blaming. I still have lots of work to do. I’m not out here living in a castle on a cloud. I’m human, but I’m doing the work. When you learn to take ownership, you learn what your true potential is. We can’t control everything in life, like your house being damaged by a tornado, being involved in an accident, or certain illnesses, but we can control how we respond to these things. We can control our reaction, our mindset, and our willingness to ask for help. Taking control of our thoughts and facing our victim mindset is how we take back our power in our lives.

If this is something you need help with, let’s talk! Let’s schedule a session to just talk and find out if coaching is a good fit for you. We can see if making a plan to make changes in your life or in your business will work better with a coach at your side. Let’s chat!

DeAnna King, Spiritual Life Coach, CLC

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