DeAnna King, Certified Life Coach, Reiki Master & Yoga Teacher, ERYT-500, YACEP

So, I just posted my very first blog post, “What is Spirituality,” and, of course, I have this terrible, uneasy feeling. I know where it stems from. It’s that awful word… Vulnerability. Bluah!!! That was me throwing up in my mouth. That’s what the word “vulnerability” invokes for me. If my blog post tanks and no one reads it, or there are negative comments about it, I know that it will lead to the next awful feeling… Shame! “How dare I put myself out there? I should have known better! Who do you think you are telling other people that you know anything about anything!” It’s all in the back of my mind, already. Yuck! You know what I’m talking about! You have felt this way, too. We all have, because no one escapes shame. It can often follow vulnerability. It’s paralyzing. But, if we never allow ourselves to be vulnerable, then we are unable to be in full expression of ourselves and achieve our soul’s purpose. This also means we would be hindering ourselves from personal growth. And guys, I am all about some personal growth. It’s kind of my thing! So, here I go!

I have been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately. It’s a recurring theme that keeps showing up in my life, both in general and with my clients. I have never been very good with vulnerability. I was young when I started building up a wall around my heart. I learned at an early age that life was painful and that I did not want to be a part of that pain. I built a wall around my heart and a very thick shell around my being. (Those who have known me the longest can attest to this.) There are very few people in this world that I have ever cried on their shoulder or have ever even seen me cry. And if someone has, it’s definitely been in the later years of my life. Tears are not comfortable for me. For years, I thought they meant weakness and I have never been okay with being weak. Someone in my early years told me that they were a weakness and I believed them! Crazy, huh, how we just so easily believe things that people say to us when we are young.

Can you look inside yourself right now and ask, “Can I be vulnerable?” Maybe your answer is, “YES!” and you are so confident within yourself that vulnerability isn’t scary to you. If that is the case, then you ROCK and I want to be you when I grow up! But for most of us, that isn’t how we feel. Most of us have huge anxieties around being vulnerable. Some of us have such huge anxieties around it that we won’t go for things that we want because of its grip on us, like public speaking, asking for the promotion that we deserve, taking on a leadership role and having all eyes on us, and so many more. Sometimes it can feel easier to sit, stuck in place than to move forward and be vulnerable to rejection, judgment and shame.

My first real growth in vulnerability happened in my late twenties. Throughout all of my relationships in my younger years, I never would allow myself to actually be vulnerable, which meant that I couldn’t give or receive love, fully. I have known some really great people that I was in a relationship with, but I was never actually emotionally available. Finally, it hit me that to actually feel loved, I had to be able to receive it. That was scary, because I knew if I ever truly loved someone that they could hurt me. In my late twenties, I made up my mind to make a change. I decided to start exploring the idea of vulnerability, love, and self acceptance. I decided from that moment on I was actually going to start putting myself out there as my true self, at least in my most intimate relationship. I wanted to see if I was actually lovable, because I didn’t think that I was. I thought that for me to be loved I had to pretend I was someone else. I tried to be someone else, which was a different person in each relationship that I’ve been in. But I will tell you, that’s exhausting! I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had been so consumed into what I thought these other people wanted from me, that I never even considered what I wanted from me. So, when I finally decided to be myself for the first time, it was quite difficult. Surprisingly, I found out that I was lovable! Who knew? I found someone who could love me, and that I could love, to the point of actually crying when we argued.

I’m sure that for some of you who cry easily, this sounds weird. But, yes, there are some of us who really struggle with that. The first time that happened, I can recall feeling the extremely warm tears running down my face. I was so mesmerized by these tears. I thought they were beautiful. Even though my heart ached, my capacity to love was greater than I had thought. I had a therapist tell me that I really needed to cry, because I had been so opposed to it, I decided to just dive in and experience the tears, and be curious about them. It was amazing! I cried, and I cried! I actually had a “Bridget Jones Diary” kind of cry. I did this every day for five days. It was wonderful! I recommend it! I had never felt emotion so deeply. I really needed it. Being vulnerable allowed my emotional capacity to grow in so many ways, and that just continued on. Allowing myself to cry was life changing. I found that it is way more brave to feel big emotions than to stifle them. And, once you fully feel your emotions, you then can mentally process the situation and begin to move through it in a healthy way. The kind of way that doesn’t collect on you as emotional baggage.

Vulnerability can show in your life in so many areas, like work and relationships. But, it can also show up in your spirituality, too. Firstly, we are on this earth to experience connection. Our brains are wired for it. If we are afraid of being vulnerable, then we can’t fully connect. From a spiritual perspective, any truly spiritual person can tell you that our purpose is to love. It’s in all of the major religious texts. Christians practice loving your “neighbor as thyself” and loving your enemy. Latter-day Saints believe that love and charity are so intertwined that they are the key to salvation. Unificationists teach that “true love” is our greatest value and that we must “live for others” to be in full expression of this love. Islam teaches that you can’t have faith until you love for others “what you love for yourself.” Every book I have read on Near Death Experiences (NDEs) oozes that love is what we are all about, from why we are here, how we are to live, to what is in the afterlife. But, can you be in your fullest expression of your loving self if you fear vulnerability? It’s hard to fully love when coming from a place of fear and feel the need to protect yourself. Brene Brown says that vulnerability is the path to deeper spirituality and understanding our purpose. I agree. Sit with that for a minute. Let it marinate. 

Now, after many years of practicing vulnerability, I am getting better at it. It’s still uncomfortable, but I am now able to talk myself through it and reframe my thoughts. Sometimes, I still fail at that, but that is why I used the word “practicing.” I have now decided that I’m actually quite strong, definitely strong enough to be more vulnerable in my life. How do you feel about that? I’m not so afraid of judgment from others, though it creeps up now and then. I know that the opinion of someone else has absolutely nothing to do with my purpose here on this earth. Knowing that we are divine beings, that comes from a divine source of love can give us great courage in being vulnerable. At least, it helps me.

Once we are able to sit with the discomfort and comb through our thoughts, we find things like fear of humiliation, rejection and other extremely uncomfortable emotions. But, then a beautiful thing happens. We realize that we are so much more than those emotions. As we start to shed our layers, allowing vulnerability to emerge, we begin to get closer to our essential humanity. Our capacity to feel is so immense! We are some truly beautiful and amazing beings.

If what I have said resonates with you on your journey in vulnerability and you think you would like some help in navigating this, I’m here for you! Let’s talk!

DeAnna King, Spiritual Life Coach, CLC